stop asking permission.

I am pretty awesome is my number one personal affirmation.

Most of us are pretty awesome. And yet we spend so much time doing the opposite of awesome — worrying, stressing, analyzing, stalling, procrastinating, excuse-making.

Whenever I make a big decision in my life I have a nasty habit of asking other people’s opinions, thus inciting my less than awesome personality aspects.

My first-child-syndrome causes me to require some kind of external encouragement or reward when it comes to accomplishing a task or coming up with a creative idea. To put it bluntly: when I do good, I want a damn cookie!

But most people’s reactions are (feign shock) often negative. As it turns out, not a lot of people are fond of short hair on girls, or support giving up a comfortable existence to live in a leaky apartment and work at a school where you can’t speak to half the people, or “wasting” money on a Master’s degree I will most likely never finish.

And when other people are not excited about my plan of action I become discouraged. I pelt myself with a maelstrom of negativity. “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea … Maybe it would be a waste of money.” Worry. Anxiety. Excuse making. Stress.

This year, I’ve been working diligently to avoid letting the happiness haters get me down. I’ve located their presence in my life, and have been working at methodically eliminating their influence. But lately I’ve been wondering why do I ask their opinion at all?  Why do I need other people to be excited for me? Isn’t it enough that I am excited about the prospect of trying something new? Or living somewhere different? Or eating something questionable? Or learning something I didn’t know?

This year has been all about me, and exploring, and not having nagging goals. And:

I am no longer asking for permission to be awesome. 

All the decisions in my life haven’t been perfect (some of them have just been plain bad), but they have been my decisions. I had the opportunity to experiment, learn, and enjoy miscellaneous pieces of each one. Even if the jigsaw came apart in the end. Maybe I didn’t succeed in the traditional sense. And maybe I could have spent that tuition money on a car (or something else adult-y), but the truth is I enjoyed learning! I liked being in class; I met interesting people; I read new things. Maybe I didn’t get a degree, but I definitely walked away with a clearer understanding of what I want, and what I am already good at.

Instead of being disappointed or worrying that I let other people down, I am going to focus on the fact that I am living! And although I have been attempting to live for myself – I am no longer requesting parking validation on the road not taken.

I am awesome.